How to be a good ally
Not only is inter-community support important to LGBTQ+ people, but support from non-queer friends and family is too. Being a good ally to your LGBTQ+ loved ones is crucial, and can sometimes be a bit tricky to navigate. So to try and help out, here are some tips on how to be a good ally.
You can sympathize, but not empathize
A lot of the time, LGBTQ+ people have unique experiences and feelings about their queer identities that you won’t understand or encounter yourself, so don’t pretend to. Some of these struggles include internalized homophobia and coming out to family and friends. Being able to listen to the LGBTQ+ people in your life and provide support for them is important, but it’s also important to understand that you won’t know exactly what they are going through, and that’s okay.
As an ally, there is plenty else you can do to help out the queer people in your life. If you are able to, provide a safe space for your LGBTQ+ friends and family in case of an emergency, or if they just need some place to go for a bit. If you can’t, being someone for them to talk, rant, or cry to can mean all the difference, in fact, young LGBTQ+ people were half as likely to attempt suicide if they had just one person to talk to. Researching the LGBTQ+ community can also make you better at supporting your friends, and don’t be afraid to ask your friends appropriate questions (please check out that link and this link for a quick guide!). Chances are you’ll make a mistake along the way (and that’s okay!), but don’t let that deter you from learning more about the community, and definitely learn from your mistakes.
No, you can’t use the F-word
Or the d-word, t-word, or any other slurs the community has reclaimed. You may hear your queer friends throwing around some words like these, but don’t take that as a sign that you can, too. For many decades, terms such as queen, d*ke, f*ggot, and tr*nny have been used as insults towards the LGBTQ+ community, and this has made them loaded, touchy, and powerful words for people to use. Members of the LGBTQ+ community sometimes use them affectionately or jokingly to their gay friends (but only if the friend is comfortable with that language, as it can be traumatic for many), but for many years they have been used by non-community members to demean and bring shame to queer people. Everyone has different reactions to slurs as powerful and historically significant as these, so don’t use them if they’re not yours to use. Reclaiming slurs can be an important power move for a community, so do your LGBTQ+ friends a favor and leave the power to them.
“Gay” isn’t an insult
But using it as one is pretty insulting, and saying something along the lines of “That’s so gay” is a microaggression. Acting like the word “gay” is a curse or an insult does more harm to LGBTQ+ people than it does to whatever you’re trying to describe. It signifies that there’s something wrong with being gay, and just to be clear, there isn’t. Unless you are literally describing same-sex attraction, there isn’t really room for the term “gay” to be used. It’s not a synonym for weird, bad, or stupid, it’s a sexuality. Using gay as an insult can be much more harmful than you think, especially towards LGBTQ+ that aren’t out yet, and are seeking a safe space to come out in. If you’re in a situation where someone around you uses gay as an insult, ask what exactly they meant, and let them know how harmful using that word in that context can be.
Speak up against homophobia
While the U.S. has made some advances in LGBTQ+ rights and legislation in the past 100 years, not everyone shares the same comfort or acceptance of our community. Homophobia exists all around us, whether it’s direct and outright or low-key and unconscious. This often makes queer people feel very unsafe, unwelcome, and unsupported. By doing your part to curve and stop homophobia when it happens around you, you can make the queer people around you feel more safe and welcomed. As we have mentioned before, having people around you that demonstrate strong support has vast positive effects on young LGBTQ+ people.
It’s also important to recognize that LGBTQ+ people “receive the same message about homosexuality, bisexuality, and trans identities as everyone else,” and are also susceptible to the homophobia subconsciously ingrained in our society and surroundings. This often leads to internalized homophobia, which brings upon its own challenges and struggles. This is also an important reason to make sure your LGBTQ+ friends and family feel supported and unafraid to be who they are around you.
Putting pronouns in your bio
It’s important for cisgender people to include pronouns in their bio because it encourages inclusivity and conversations about gender and gender expression. Making the inclusion of pronouns in social media bios common practice also normalizes talking about pronouns in the first place. For many transgender, gender non-conforming, non-binary, or otherwise people, talking about pronouns can be an uncomfortable or even scary part of a conversation. By making this a more frequent and less stigmatized practice, we can help people feel more comfortable with talking about pronouns and gender. So, if you’re comfortable doing so, take your part in normalizing conversations about gender and gender expression, and add your pronouns to your bio today.
With all that is going on in the world today, it’s not uncommon to feel helpless, but you aren’t. Just because you may not be able to impact the world doesn’t mean you can’t make someone else’s brighter. By following these simple tips, you can help make a difference in the lives of the LGBTQ+ people around you.
Haven is a developing virtual pride center aimed at providing young LGBTQ+ people with a community at their fingertips. The founders of Haven come from a place of love, understanding, and commitment. Haven is a community founded by young LGBTQ+ people for LGBTQ+ people. Checkout our website, havenvpc.org, and follow us on Instagram @haven.vpc for updates on our journey.
Haven is a 501(c)(3) non-profit. You can email us at havenvpc@gmail.com.
